[ah-toon, uh-tyoon] to bring into accord, harmony, or sympathetic relationship; adjust
It has been a week since the robbery and a week of attunement, coming to terms with what happened, trying to find a way to not allow the familar, the habitual, freezing of experiences that are traumatic (anything that exceeds our capacity to hold/welcome/attune or allow). As I caught a glimpse of my freezer at the meditative intensive, mine’s full and in the process of defrosting, I simply cannot store anything else, we are downsizing, getting rid of. So instead I have been processing, the more I think about it the more I understand the test, the training, the perfection of the timing, the universe is at it again. My training with dharma ocean is infantile at best but its been enough to guide me through this experience. Continuing to come back to loving care and compassion for myself and believe it or not for those who committed the crime. Coming back to my body, allowing myself permission to get it out, to release the experience rather then store it for another time, the time is simply now. I had to go through many stages similar fo grief to process this through…
Denial – reacting with numbed disbelief, shock, our bodies way of insulating us while we are overwhelmed with too much to process all at once, everything shuts down to protect. Hoping this was all a bad dream and that I would wake the next morning to find none of it real. My denial so great I called apple crying telling them my story hoping the person on tbe other end of the line would simply ship me a new computer; only to be told if someone stole your car you wouldnt go to tbe dealer and ask for a new one. Fair enough. Its not uncommon to do things that you wouldn’t normally do to set things straight, to make things right, to try and put things back the way they were. Perhaps part of the denial was going back and staying in the bungalow hoping I would feel different, believing because they already broke in it wouldnt happen again but the other part of my mind could not buy into that notion.
Taking time to lick my wounds, going to Lauries guest house on her ranch up in the mountains gave me time to temporarily allow my mind to settle, to rest, to collect myself, to nurture and piece back together all that had come apart. Meditation, self compassion, tenderness, loving care and journalling my erratic thoughts were imperative along with time away from the world. My planning, organizing, take care of business self came to the table and started taking care of all the administrative details that come with such a loss. My mind happily preoccupied for the time being mixed with reading, writing, pooltime and my love of cooking.
Anger came next… Anger shows itself in the fact that things have changed and I don’t feel safe anymore back at the bungalow. I am always on guard, I wonder if the maid had something to do with it and I find myself less friendly towards her, I cant help but doubt Whan, the caretaker, was he somehow involved, what about the construction crew down the road who watch me walk by everyday, Ola does not slip off my tongue quite so easily, I feel hardened, tainted, I feel angry. The robbery, the facts, the events play out over and over, I need answers so I start talking to all the local people I have met at the studio and I start to hear things I wish I knew before the robbery basic information everybody should be told. There have been lots of robberies in the area, the community is suffering because of it, the iron on the windows was rotten and the robbers simply yanked it down, the owner had it as an item to be fixed, the bungalow had been robbed before, it was clearly an inside job they knew exactly where the alarm system and outside light wires were located and cut them, I wonder if not giving information is the same as a lie. I am angry. Is neglecting to share information neglegence. I feel bitter, the owner has bent over backwards to help us, a hotel, putting us up in her guest house, having her husband spend the night in the police station interpreting for us, driving us to get groceries so much kindness – her responsibility – her guilt – her kind heart. On the very other side of all this generosity and good faith is something I dont want to see but its evident, its there. A greed a dishonesty, a mistrust, some lies, the insider nature of the robbery, the failure to secure knowing it needed attention and the thing that I keep asking myself is it neglect to not give someone information imparative to their safety and protection because you fear losing busines and the all mighty dollar. Locals all say the same thing lights, locks, alarms, dogs, dont have anything of value or they will steal it, live a simple life. I cant for the life of me imagine living with this knowledge, this acceptance. People are starving so they steal its a way of life here, a way of life not shared with vacationers, people staying on your property. We are told the police make very little money, everyone is open to a bribe, morality does not exist. We were told that as you learn to live in this culture you begin to adopt this way of life, doing what the locals do, you become condtioned by another set of conditions forgetting completely the morals and values you once lived. I cant say I know how it feels or what it must be like to be poor without any means to change your life, believing that you are stuck, I cant imagine what its like to see all these white people walking around, taking tours, eating in restaurants, buying groceries when they cant feed their family, thats bitter. Thats sad and if thats who broke in and it feeds them for a day, a week, a month I would be know it did some good but the simple sad fact is that it was not those people, I recognize the truth when I see it.
I love people, I love meeting new people, sharing a moment, my heart believes we are all essentially good on the inside and it is conditioning and circunstances that make us evil. We are all born with the same stuff but conditioned over time by our families, our cultures, our wealth or lack thereof. I know in my heart that everyone has a chance to be somebody different, we all have the same opportunity to tap into ourselves and find out who we are at our core, that sweet, unconditioned soul with the ability to choose love, forgiveness and to view the world through a different lens.
Bargaining comes next… staying one step ahead of the mind so that it does not consume me. Being back at the bungalow was unerving, to say the least, every sound was another attempt, my mind wanted to turn it into a personal attack even after being told by many this is an opportunistic culture, not a violent one. Unnerved, scared, jumpy were the feelings rushing through me, every sound, every move all the hair on tbe back of my neck stood up, my nerves were on edge, my imagination gone crazy, my mind creeping in and trying to take over my world. I know how powerful, demanding and spoiled like a child my mind can be and it has been in control yanking me around like a dog on a leash for the vast majority of my life but I also know these past few years I have worked dilligently to invite others to the table and now live in more of a democracy. My wise nurturer, my inner child, my body, my soul, my voice of reason, my voice of truth and most importantly, the universe, all get a say. I know I am a beloved child of the universe and the universe lovingly takes care of me now and forever more.
As my mind is trying to run away, take over, focus on fear I hear the whisper of the universe reminding me that whatever is going to happen is going to happen, I simply cannot control the outcome of anything and the more attention I give anything the more powerful it becomes. A wise friend said to me you cant move through the world with an open heart when your living in fear. I know I dont want fear of anything in my consciosness for very long, the utter impact physically, mentally and emtionally, sitting in flight or fright effects everything negativly. I dont want to feed it, I dont want to give it power yet all my senses are on high alert as my mind, my body and my sensitive soul ping pongs back and forth which wolf is getting fed tonight.
This is the mind teetering on the flickering unstability of unconciousnes and consciosness; remembering, being awake, steping into awareness. Awareness is the bridge between these two consciousnesess and I continuously move between them until I find stability living in the world, being in the world and allowing lifes ordinary situations to provoke me into being unconscious so that I can work on noticing and come back to conconsciousnes, to continue the practice. The world is my training ground.
How then in knowing all this do I shift out of fear, time for some self care, some gentle compassion, some self love, some understanding, but first I have to be heard, not judged, nobody needs to fix me but I simply have to be heard and in this process an attunement can take place. Something starts to shift the moment I have fellt heard. This happened for me through wonderful world of technology and a couple of instrumental people in my life. Thank you both you know who you are, they heard me, held me and supported me in those moments.
I continue to work with my mind continuously coming back to the moment, when the thoughts ty to invade I breathe, I become aware of my breath and breathe, I watch it all the way in and all the way out, melt away the edges until it settles becomes even, smooth, and gentle. Breath is crutial to my bodies ability to heal, ability to settle and ability to sustain itself. Thought and breathe are are closely connected, every moment a thought enters our mind, every moment a breath enters our body hense the reason you can change your thinking with breathing. There is a connection.
I scream as loud as I can at the ocean, to release, to let go.
I am patient and compassionate moving from my mind to my body assuring myself all is well we are here, right now, we are safe, we settle together as one. Coming into the body allows me to tap into the messenger of my reality. I have to listen. I have to move.
I move to a secure hotel and continue my work, realizing instantly the tension holding on.
Meditation now, sitting, waiting and emptying, letting go of EGO, allowing a period of silence, alonenss and reflection to recharge my depleated batteries A time to step out of the busy mind, the constant battle, a time to let the thoughts float by, a time to digest and process the events, to sit in the unknown, to continue to discover more deeply who I am, to discover what is going on within, to tap into my body and explore. Meditation allows me to find deeper compassion for those who have entered my life, those enemies, those misfortunes, those supposed curses.
Depression hits next, I am flooded with a sadness, a longing in my heart to be home, surrounded by the people I love; the people who love me, I am struck with a lonliness, that old familiar void. I realize in this place I sense a hole that is begging to be filled. I reminisce about the old habitual behavors that could easily mask this uncomfortable knawing; alcohol, cigarettes, marijuana, life preservers from the past, quick fixes to numb this desperation. My mind wants to get rid of it, make it go away anything to mask this uncomfortable feeling gnawing away at me, this feeling imploring me to do something to extiguish the uncomfortable awareness manifesting in my solar plexus. I sit with it instead and allow it to come, invite it in for tea, sit in the uncomfort and take care of self with compassion, tenderness, rest and connecting with my support system.
Acceptance will be my final step, I am getting closer. I work with my perspective, the lens with which I see the world and I cling to the fact that everything happens for a reason for this I am certain. I continue to pull apart and explore the possible reasons for this event and I settle on the fact that the most difficult situations in life become our biggest teachers. This will be one of those. I know that sometimes the lessons are revealed later and I will remain open to the possibilities.
I take away awareness and the simple fact that even when you think you did everything right, wrong can happen.
For now, I will continue my journey into the unknown knowing that I dont know what tomorrow will bring. I will enter each day with an open heart, curiosity, a knowing that every experience put before me is all part of the training I have asked for. The world is the landscape for my experiencing, learning and growing for I am the student and sometimes the teacher…