Heaven or Hell …

Everything happens for a reason!  This I know, this I follow like a religion, this allows me to look beyond the surface, to see a little deeper, to allow my processing, organizing, judging, compartmentalizing brain to do its work.  I find myself in another situation where I clearly understand that this has been put forth on my path for a very specific reason, a test, a challenge, an angel, disguised as the devil himself, perhaps.  I know this immediately because I am in the space that feels like a conundrum; I don’t know what to do, I want to run, I wish it weren’t this way, and I want an easier path.  This place where everything feels off balance, off centre, my feet are not quite touching the ground, I am dangling just above sure footing and desperately want to plant my feet back on the ground.   My solar plexus tingle, swirl, twirl, my mind a buzz with this new challenge, this new puzzle, my EGO stepping in and trying to take control telling me everything I need and don’t need all at once, a battle in my mind filled with the positive, rationalizing, pushing away the truth desperately trying to make it right because everything is telling me this is wrong. 

The familiarity deeply ingrained into the cells of my body with that I am aghast, I instantly feel unbalanced, unsure, and my confidence shaken.

I witness this strong urge to fix, to help, to nurture, an empathy bubbling up inside me that feels so familiar.   Yet at the very same time repulsion gurgling from its sleeping haze, hate, disrespect, another man’s shame gnawing him from the inside out growing deeper by the minute.  

My body reacting from deeply ingrained memories surfacing as the liquid rises to the top,  the scars peeling apart, a deep understanding, an ache for this human coupled with a strong abhorrence. 

As I watch myself I recognize the nurturer I am so familiar with come rushing forward wanting to help, to fix, to teach, to rescue it’s just so ingrained.  I want to help but like my mind telling me everything I need and don’t need at the same time, a complete opppsite is presented – a loathing, disconnection, I  sense the wounds from my past resurfacing and I recoil, I close up and I want to leave and get as far away from this familiar human being as possible.  

Here at this crossroads I wonder if I have arrived in heaven or in hell and realize that perhaps it’s a bit of both.  


the abode of God, the angels, and the spirits of the righteous after death; the place or state of existence of the blessed after the mortal life …

Heaven the beauty all around, the serenity of being on an island surrounded by the calls from the jungle, the waves of the ocean slapping against the shore, the palm trees swaying back and forth,  to and fro; I am left speechless.  As I sit out and watch the water from my tiny deck off my cabana I see the fins of three dolphins passiing by and as darkness descends upon me, I see the tiny flickers of bright light as the fireflies come to frolick in the grasses below.  The constant warmth of the sun nestled behind the clouds,  the soft blowing breeze, the occasion direct hit of heat as the sun peeks out just long enough to kiss my yearning skin but short enough to keep my attention focused as I write, yet gently teasing me to come out and play.  


the place or state of punishment of the wicked after death; the abode of evil and condemned; any place or state of torment or misery:

Hell the ugliness just below the surface, the sinking muck just under the surface of the manicured grass, the noseeums that gnaw at any piece of exposed flesh, the dissassociation of the human at the helm.  The ugliness of addiction. 


A beast that ravenges the soul, eats you from the inside out, picks all the meat off your bones until there is nothing left, hollows you out, leaves nothing but an empty shell incapable of seeing anything deeper than the surface, the next fix, feeling your way through the darkness, stumbling through each moment waiting for the next.  Craving so intense, relentless in its pursuit to fill the void, the hole, the constant ache; something, anything to dampen the intensity of this gnawing beast.  

I realize that a boundary must be employed for the safety and protection of my wounded child within.   Not realizing until this very moment how just under the surface my wounds lay open and raw that a person, I barely know, drowning in addiction is able to bring it all to the surface so easily, so unconsciously. 

Everything happens for a reason … bringing up the raw emotions has allowed me to spill onto the pages a recount, a recollection of those deep wounds just beneath the surface of my being, a rising to the top to be skimmed, regurgitated allowing another level of healing to take place, allowing another layer to be peeled back.  

Everything happens for a reason, every person put forth as a teacher or a student, every situation a test of the growth so far, every disappointment a gift to be unwrapped, every challenge a moment of clarity to see inside to who I really am … what I am made up of … how my reactions have shifted to carefully thought out responses.  My work is paying off, I notice a clear difference in who I once was and who I am today.  The new ruts in the road are gaining traction and although I find myself occasionally stuck in the ruts of the past, the conditioning and my old ways, I see myself easily shifting gears, turning the wheel slightly and bumping over into the newly conditioned, the present accessing the tools in my shiny tool box, I glide into this newly created shallower, more infantile rut and my tires seems to sink in and hum along.  

Today I see inside a part of me who is filled with compassion and understanding for a fellow struggling human being.  I am gifted to see the depths of my own wounds and suffering, a chance to give abundant gratitude for my own successful battle with addiction and the reminders of the strength, courage and determination it took to flip that switch.  I silently cheer on this human being as he attempts one more time to put his gnawing beast to rest!


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