EGO

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That moment when you FEEL that sense of oversharing, saying too much, its like a punch in the gut, a dull deep sensation right in the solar plexus, wondering if everyone thinks your an idiot, if everyone thinks you are filled with EGO, if you think you sounded egotistical, if you think it came off the wrong way, if you think people are talking about you saying “wow can you believe what she said”.   My mind immediately assessing the situation berating “you sounded defensive” “you shared too much””you should have”,”you shouldn’t have” on and on it goes. 

That moment when you say something and there are no further comments, the meeting is suddenly over.  I have felt this before, this is not a new experience, perhaps it is my body reacting to a past experience and causing my mind to react.  This scenario has happened before – the last speaker sharing a deep personal experience, no comments, time to end.  Everyone walks away.  I felt naked, exposed and incomplete.  As I am writing this I am recalling a similar situation where I shared something deep and personal from my past at a “shame” workshop, of all things, I stepped outside my comfort zone and shared just as I had finished, choking back the tears, the door flew open and the servers barged in bringing lunch, another participant yelled LUNCH everyone turned and the moment was lost.  The devastating part was it was left hanging in the air while everyone dove into their food, facilitators and all.  I felt naked, exposed and incomplete, choking back the tears.

The funny thing is that people forget about it right away and go on with their life, its egotistical of me to think they would be thinking about me and my life, my comments, my story for another moment, they all have their own crazy minds to deal with while my spins worried about what others think of me.  Wow if that is not stuck in your ego mind I don’t know what is.   All of this is in my mind, none of it means anything, a body reaction to past experiences and an EGO spinning doing what it does best, me trying to regain my composure and not go down that familiar rabbit hole.  

Pause,  witness, be honest.  To face the truth of not wanting to be judged, the truth of the fact that I hope to be accepted, I hope that they think  I am enough. 

It is all there in this momentary experience in the grand scheme of my life, I can be taken down by my EGO so very quickly, spinning so very fast out of control.  It can cause a body reaction, it can make me sick, it can twist things out of proportion and out of perspective, it can be an old injury resurfacing, it can be a thing of the past rearing its ugly head again.  All in the split second of a moment, as soon as something is out of your mouth, you wish to retract it but its too late and your mind starts spinning recounting everything you said over and over and over again.  Your world starts reeling – it can go from a moment, to a minute, to hours, to days of recounting that very moment recounting every word, twisting, turning, beating yourself up about it, wishing you could take it back somehow. 

I am compassionate damn it!  EGO at work.  I ask every day for help to step outside of my brutally controlling EGO some days are good days and some days are not so good days.  Each day is a learning, a new lesson, a witnessing of myself reacting, responding and doing what I do, each moment a moment for reflection, a gift and another chance to step out of the big bad EGO.  I am smiling at the lunacy of it all, the mind and how it controls us if we let it. 

Stop it in its tracks right now and let it go, overshare, maybe, reaction, perhaps, but so what, its over, people may or may not judge you on this one moment and if they do so be it; its their judgement, I have my own harsh judgements of myself, I certainly don’t need theirs too. 

I just love speaking out and sharing my mind, my questions, my thoughts, my heart still pounds each time I do it but I enjoy it, I love the interaction, I love to hear what other people think, what goes on in their minds.   I delight when people have differences of opinion and are brave enough to share their experiences, yet I can be so harsh on myself for the very same thing.   

Step back and witness this grand annoying, conditioned EGO at work time and time again, its quite fascinating really!

My intention over this lifetime is to continue working hard at transcending my mind until I can honestly say I am no longer operating in the EGO mind, that I have transcended past this beast, and I can see past the nose on my own face!

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