A 6 hour bus ride would bring me to Sukhothia, Northern Thailand where I would be expecting a pick up but no one showed up. I would gather with some other tourists all needing a ride and we would all huddle in the back of a tuk tuk while the winds blew and the heavy rain poured out of the sky. The driver would secure the tarp like enclosure on one side but not the other, the side I happened to be sitting on, the winds would blow and the rain would start pelting out of the sky and right into the back of the tuk tuk, my female companion and I would unravel the tarp like enclosure and hold it down as the driver continued to drive. They would be dropped first and the driver would ask me to pay my fare at the same time, I suggested I pay once we arrive, he stood stern saying “pay now, pay now”. I paid the man and off we went. Once we arrived at my new home, Sabaidee Guesthouse for two nights, he sat in the cab of the tuk tuk and let me manage my luggage on my own, once out of the tuk tuk he would simply drive away. Nothing.
A new visitor has arrived … the last couple of days I have been feeling low, down, not myself, homesick, just plain old down and out. Tired. So tired I feel like I can’t go on anymore yet there is this pull to finish the journey. Sabaidee Guesthouse would be the place that I would lock myself inside and watch movies all day. I needed to disengage from everything, everyone. This feeling comes and goes as the world continues to spin, the people in my life have gone on with their lives and I feel stuck between a world I once knew and a world I don’t know. I am surrounded by the unknown, the people, the places, the food, the beds, the guesthouses, which direction to go, I feel a bit lost. This feeling is not foreign to me it is something I know well, it is part of a never ending cycle and patterns that continue to show up in my life. The waves of change similar to the Ocean sometimes riding high and sometimes riding low.
It has been a part of the inner journey to clearly see and recognize this pattern and watch myself as I go through it, yet again.
It is filled with a deep sadness, a deep desire to hide away, a yearning to be invisible, a need to not have to get up another day and make another decision. A feeling so overwhelming it scares me, it frightens me, the tears just fall for no particular reason they are just there running down my cheeks and I don’t want to get out of bed, sadness is at my door. My appetite is no longer, food become repulsive and repugnant, the ones I love seem so distant. It is painful and uncomfortable and I wish it to go away but it’s already here. I feel heavy and oppressive, my body is painful, bags of grief accumulate under my eyes, I look and feel old. I feel as though I am dying, I am withering away. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want anyone to see me, I think they can see right through me and feel my pain.
I feel like I am going to fall down and never get back up, everything is so dark and so heavy. My body reacts with pain and discomfort, a mask crawls upon my face and I cannot smile even when I try its like the muscles in my face have changed and have become frozen, the look on my face has changed and I can’t do anything about it, it just comes and takes over my whole being. It is like a ghost has occupied my being and stays as long as it desires to stay. I have no choice, no control and no voice.. I just want to follow, I don’t want to make decisions. All planning, creativity and organization seems to elude me, suddenly no longer part of who I am. My throat constricts and closes up, I feel like I am suffocating.
The thunder roars, the lightening strikes, the rain falls and I don’t want to get up.
I see another face in the mirror, one that is not my own.
My budding flower has closed up and I am surrounded by darkens, by thunder, by the rain, by the gloom that looms out in front of me.
My desires dried up, my clarity shut down, my dreams a distant past. My world shaky and unknown.
I seek to find solace, alone hiding in the dark.
I feel weird, off, uncomfortable in my own skin, I am not who I am, I am suddenly somebody else, this other person who occasionally comes to stay awhile. She always leaves and she always comes back. I welcome her at the door and invite her in for a cup of tea and let her stay until she is ready to leave again. We part ways, until next time.