Letting go has become a BIG part of the journey as you can read in my blog thus far. It started the day I left and continues to this very moment. Letting go is difficult, sometimes it even seems impossible. If it were that easy we would all be enlightened beings. With intention, I really wanted to watch myself in the months that I would be away from “my life” and see what would be my greatest challenges, as it turns out it is my children and the deep seeded attachment I have to them and their lives. I knew without a doubt I would miss them but I was not sure if I could let go of their lives and focus on my own completely. I can now confirm 7 months into the journey that I can’t and that I simply don’t want to, they are a big part of my connection to myself.
The Buddhist monk has to follow 227 precepts, one of those precepts is to take a vow of celibacy. Nuns have to take the same vow. I asked my teacher why this was considering sex is natural, it is part of nature. She explained to me that when taking the vows of becoming a monk or a nun you also take the vows of letting go of everything including your family. In the infinite wisdom of the Buddha he realized that letting go of the children we bear is an unbearable act indeed, it cannot be done, nor should it ever be done.
I can attest to this very principle as I have been away from mine for 7 months and cannot step away completely, cannot let go entirely, do not want to journey off and let go of my children. When you have children they become a part of you, a part of your soul and with every inch of my being my children will always be part of my attachments in this lifetime. I can and will not ever let them go. The bond between mother and daughter, at least in my case, is that strong. I can see why Monks do not procreate.
I can understand that they are on their own journey in this lifetime and that we were put on each other’s paths for a reason and that we are both the teacher and the student but what I didn’t realize is how attached we are to one another. A healthy attachment, it is natural, it is human.
I am settled in the realization that I have two attachments that I am not willing to let go, I will never be completely free to only worry about only myself. I will always be a mother to my children, they will always reside very close to my heart, be part of my soul. I will give them the freedom to live their life without interference from me but I will never let them go completely. They have a firm grasp on my heart and I have a firm grasp on their hearts and I am never letting go.
They are part of me and I am part of them. We have an unbreakable bond.
As I have been reunited with my eldest daughter seven months after leaving my home town of Victoria, British Columbia, Canada I can attest to my earlier writings of this blog that my children have my heart.
I feel completely blessed to have the two daughters that are completely different in so many ways; the common bond that they share is me, their mama.
I realize in spending time with my eldest, 24-year-old daughter, how much of a bond there is and always will be. I notice the gigantic leap we have made in the making of our relationship from a few years ago and I sit in awe of how far we have come. This girl is a ball of energy, full of life, bold, confident, outgoing, mature and a lot of fun! She is the perfect example of what we want for our children as they transition into adults.
Eckart Tolle says, and I quote,
If you have been doing inner work for some time, a visit with your family is an excellent opportunity to discover how well you have done.
I can attest to this very statement after spending time with my girl for the past five days and really being aware of myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my patterns of behaviour as I watch myself stepping into old conditioned ways of being, ways of feeling and really seeing the opportunity to discover how far I have come and how much more work I still have to do.
It has been interesting to see myself moving back into conditioned ways of being, playing a role that is no longer in existence and recognizing myself, my body, my thoughts, my behaviours as though things were still the same. It has been the perfect opportunity to witness myself in a relationship that carries a long shared history and put into practice the present over and over again. Allowing the body sensations, the old ways of being to be there and continue stepping back into the present moment over and over again.
I am fortunate enough to be in a family where the people closest to me are also doing their work and in order to shift the old roles and the old patterns of behaviour one has to first of all be aware of what is happening, pause, process then articulate the thoughts and feelings into a discussion. In the discussion, both parties need to have the maturity to receive the words being spoken, see another perspective, affirm and move forward. That is a healthy relationship in the works.
It is interesting to me that sometimes in relationships that same thing comes up over and over again, it certainly shifts but it comes up until it has been completely opened up, stirred around, looked at from different perspectives and an understanding of each other’s view-point reached. It then seems to dissipate and dissolve and another piece is lifted out of the imaginary backpack we carry around.
I feel lighter and my backpack has been replaced with the love and understanding of my soul buddy!
Forever grateful for this experience with my baby girl!