transparency

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this is a real account of how I felt coming home … sometimes I feel ashamed, like I shouldn’t experience such things, posting such real accounts of how I feel but then I consider if it helps one person reading this than I have done my job and the rest of you get to know me a lot better.  

Along with all that beauty comes the inevitable setting in of the reality of being home, the reality of this “normal” life as I come to realize that the world kept on going, everyone went on with their lives just as I did travelling the world.  It was odd to come back 9 months later and see that the world was the same as I left it only it wasn’t – nine months had passed.   Every decision has a ripple effect that ripples into the lives of those all around us, of those intertwined with us and those acquainted with us, everyone is affected by change.

How do I fit back into this world?  How do the people I love react to my homecoming?  Did the gap get too wide?  Is there space for me?  Can I live this life with the emptiness I feel inside me?

Everything I am, everything I seek, everything I know has fallen to the wayside and I am filled with a dark deep feeling of emptiness, I can’t seem to fill this ever mounting void that seems to be spreading like wildfire throughout my entire being.  All of my knowing have fallen away and I feel like a shell of who I am, I am suddenly starving myself, I am suddenly wanting to be alone, hide out, be alone, afraid of my own shadow.  I want to hunker down and hide away just me, my baby girl and my dog.

It feels like home, her place, I feel safe and love.  I clean, I am busy, I am always moving, doing something, organizing, cleaning, busy, busy, busy, walking, cooking, cleaning.  I can’t stay still.  I cannot be with myself something is gutting me from the inside out, it is like a stain that just keeps growing bigger and bigger.

I wish to be invisible, to not be here, anywhere but here wherever I am I want to be somewhere else, my skin crawls, my mind won’t shut the fuck up it is torturing me, what is next, what are you going to do you have to get a job worrying about Sydney and wondering if I should move to Fort St. John and spend as much time with the babies as I can, be part of their lives my heart wants this my heart aches for this yet I am scared I am afraid I will hurt Jenny I am afraid to leave my fragile sister I know I will love it up there in the Country it is so beautiful I know I will be able to love unconditionally those babies there is nothing here for me except the same old everything.

I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere and feel the need for isolation and solitude other than time with the grand babies.  I need them in my life.  Should I have my own life, would it be wrong/weird to follow my kid to Fort St. John, is it dysfunctional.  Am I insane.  Do I have mental health issues, is there something wrong with me.  Why do I hate to be seen, why do I wish I was invisible and gone and not here anymore.  Why does all this hurt so much.  Why haven’t I learned anything.  Why do I stop caring for myself?  Why do I chose darkness and death over lightness and life.  Why do I feel this way?  Why can’t I stay balanced or at least self caring and letting the rest fall into place.  I am still hurting myself every single day.  Why?  What do I have to do to get better?

Sometimes I just wish to disappear, to be gone, but then my heart aches for those I would leave behind, my daughters, my sister, my friends, my family, those who admire me and look up to me, those who I have inspired to be better humans, those I have loved, nurtured and cared for, those I taught to love themselves.

Time to love myself.

It is time for love, understanding, compassion and mindfulness to the moment.  Right here, right now.

(the darkness has lifted and I am the light that shines from within again its was a gruelling 10 days)

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