I realized quite quickly into my descent that I simply had to surrender and let go of the wheel, the universe has got me, I will land exactly where I am supposed to. This I know but it eludes me at times of struggle.
In the coming home, back to the light, I look at my left wrist it says “believe” and I remember to believe in a higher power. I look at my right wrist and it says “Just go Home” and I am reminded to sit, quietly and listen. I stare into my own eyes and emit compassion and love. Gentle, kind consideration of everything about this moment and how I feel assuring myself that “this too shall pass” and another will arrive.
Pema Chodron to the rescue …
The journey to enlightenment involves shedding, not collecting. It’s a continual process of opening and surrender, like taking off layer after layer of clothes, until we’re completely naked with nothing to hide.
I realize that this continual process will be a mix of ups and downs and while processing healing and letting go comes a void that feels like it needs to be filled with something because it has become so comfortable. Like the invisible objects in our backpack and issues in our tissues they become part of us and we become reliant on them.
I like to imagine a little wooden shelf box with little shelves which tiny boxes sit on with either colourful bows or tiny little locks to keep them shut whenever I have something that is part of me yet I not longer want it define me, I put it on the shelf. Sometimes I take down the boxes and sort through them again and let a little bit more out until the box gets emptier, clearer, creating more space. It’s like peeling the layer of an onion going down one layer at a time and each time you peel one back, you cry and your eyes burn and you wish it would go away! You wish it to stop, you run around and apply all the things google says to do trying desperately to stop the burning.
It is my journey and I have no idea why but I have come here to seek the truth of everything I can about myself and other people; to truly understand the deep workings of relationship.
I see the journey a bit differently now, I realize that there is nothing to reach, there doesn’t have to be an end goal because with this stuff it is a never-ending cycle of the waves on the Ocean, in and out, up and down, calm and angry, deep and shallow; enlightenment is just a thing, as is equanimity, as well as sadness and anger. We, ALL, will cycle through many thoughts and feelings and what we need to learn is how to sit with the uncomfortable stuff too and accept it just like we accept the good stuff.
My toolbox allows me the luxury of a quick homecoming.
I reflect on all of my teachings and teachers when I wonder why I held a belief that there was an end goal that there was a place that I would reside called equanimity:
mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.
and once I got there I would stay there forever draped in the senses of peacefulness, calmness, non-reactivity for all the rest of my days.
This belief became part of my belief system and now it has been shifted.
There is no end, we don’t sit in equanimity but we get back to it faster, the times in between become shorter, knowing that we have the tools to come out of it quickly returning to this place, a place that takes time to shift and become the new comfort zone, a shift, a slow and steady shift from living in chaos to living in peace.
Our humanness gets in the way and always will as long as we are humans.
We are all the same, we go through the same brutal processes striving for peace and happiness! Its all there inside of each one of us, our job is in the digging, the excavating and the uncovering of what is already there. Love. Forgiveness. Acceptance. Peace. Happiness. Radiance. Joy.