Upon reflection of my year I have come to realize that in the dissolution of a pain body a space has been created and it feels like a void, perhaps a friend that I have relied upon and allowed to become part of my story, complete with a set of limiting beliefs, of who I am and when it is taken (processed & healed) it leaves an empty space.
At first I felt lost without it; it was part of the hamster wheel story I had been telling myself for many years. The unconscious hamster wheel that plays out in the background, a piece of that invisible baggage carried around in the proverbial backpack, the issues stored in my tissues. There is an uncomfortable space.
It is in this realization that I see the importance of sitting with each one of my healings over the past year and processing them through to the end. It has become obvious that I can do the work but there is a process of elimination; a settling into the space it has created becomes an imperative part of the healing process.
My limiting belief that were attached to the black hole which is the name I have associated with this experience
… that I cannot be trusted and I am a horrible mother who has caused her children so much pain …
This pain body was taking up a lot of space, I realized. I believed that I could not be trusted because I let two of the most important people in my life down, like really down – I shit the bed. All the while knowing that I did the best I could with what I knew at that time in my life cognitively I understood this but my cells still carried it day after day. I carried it, like a tiny infant who was with me where ever I went.
I carried the black hole for 22 years thinking I was a bad person and nothing I ever did was going to be good enough to exonerate myself from this misdeed. It was a big part of my story and letting it go really caused a deep amount of pain, a swirling in my solar plexus, anxiety, depression, a sense of wanting to be invisible and a deep need to grasp it right back and hold onto it again. It was part of me and my beliefs about who I am.
It was a deep place of shame and guilt. I immediately went into my patterns of behaviour to cover, hide or distinguish this feeling and to get busy creating no time to continue the process, stop it in its tracks, stop this hot painful feeling that I am broken and cannot be fixed.
Shame & guilt were driving this train and the seats were filled with fear; all familiar to me and provide me with an automatic panic, a hardening, a freezing – my EGO – protecting me from the fear of feeling the pain. A deep feeling of being bad, not being alright, not workable, that there is something fundamentally flawed with me. An edgy energy that feels like being caught up in a tornado swirling around in the middle feeling unable to get off or stop the downward spiral and unable to see anything clearly.
I had to ask myself and continue coming back to it over and over again, can I sit with it? Can I come back to the understanding that I am a guesthouse and can I welcome this pain? I crumbled, tightened and hardened out of fear that more pain would drop me so far down I might never resurface. I wouldn’t be able to get back up.
Who was I going to be without this part of the story. I gently reached up and grabbed down a box from the wooden shelf I keep in my mind and put it neatly inside and closed the lid real fast so it wouldn’t get out and I clicked closed the tiny lock.
I took it out one more time and allowed it time to breathe as I shared a tiny part of it with someone I should have never shared it with, she wasn’t ready, it was my healing. Each person has to heal when they are ready to heal and their work is their work and mine is mine.
Another deep learning for me along the way is realizing that in coming home everyone is in a different place. Acceptance has been abundant. I have had to learn that because I am a deep and intense person that not everyone else wants or is capable of meeting me is this place.
I realized that in my healing the ripple effect with be the ripple effect and I don’t have to bring those affected anywhere near it, the ripple will reach them when the time is right.
I had a friend drop a bomb on me right before my homecoming and I took it hard and to heart and felt a bit broken after, again, another person not trusting me. Thinking that I did something that I would never do; it grated up against one of my deepest values – integrity.
The fact that I just realized that tied up in holding onto the black hole was that I believed I was not to be trusted, over my life time many experiences have happened where I was not trusted but gave no reason for this inference, as far as I know. I now believe that it is because I believed it about myself from an incident that happened 22 years ago and in letting it go I also have to let go of those two beliefs that have held me captive for so many years. They have become a part of who I thought I was and when I put them down and I am neither of those things – who am I and what starts to happen in my life?
If and when I let go of the fact that I am not horrible mother and in its place reflecting on all the beautiful memories we created as a family; all the wonderful things I did as a mother, all the good that I did for and with my daughters, all the love I injected into their veins and slowly my perception shifts to I was a good, loving mother who did the very best I could with what I knew at the time, only now I accept it and believe it with all my heart. I confirm to myself that I was reliving the next generation of dysfunction and in uncovering this landmine there is a chance for the cycle to complete. To finish.
What I didn’t know was this experience is part of my journey, I asked for this. I choose forgiveness, I choose to let myself off the hook and start reliving the beautiful memories we had together as a family. Cherish and remember the good mother I was to my children and the sacrifices I made for them, like every mother on the face of the earth, in their own capacity.
It changes who I am, it changes what I think of myself. I have actually caught myself flirting with myself in the mirror. I feel like I am falling in love with myself all over again. Kind, compassionate nurturing like I would to a child or a good friend.
Relationships are our biggest teachers, they allow us to see who we truly are and how far we have progressed, how we see the world. Having had the opportunity to spend time with each and every front row friend in my life I am filled with gratitude for these people, the relationships we have built over the years, the relationships we will continue to have with each other. Each one of the people I have made contact with have added a beautiful golden nugget to help me move forward. I am grateful for each and every one of them.
My children have taught me the most. I feel a letting go, the shackles of co-dependency fall way and I settle into what this new, mature, adult relationship looks like.
I am always amazing by the universe and its gathering of evidence for me when I need it most. So many times, I am in a process of healing caught up in the tornado and a teaching will show up in my inbox guiding me through the exact lesson I am trying to understand and articulate. Of course, Pema Chodron and her beautiful teachings allowed the final understanding to take place.
She offers a beautiful practice to help finalize the journey when you get there.
Close your eyes and remember an incident that makes you wince when you think of it, makes you feel that you really wish you hadn’t done it, bring it into your consciousness and get in touch with the feeling.
In the spirit of self compassion and loving yourself bring that feeling towards yourself breathing it in to your whole being as fully as possible, breath out spaciousness, forgiveness to yourself and anyone involved in the experience. Try to have a sense of your heart opening up really wide and bring in a sense of well-being, to permeate your entire being, love, compassion, clear open unobstructed energy.
To my mother I sent you away to protect you; it was my job to protect you.
To my daughter, you did nothing wrong.
To my self, you did the best you could at the time.