What I didn’t expect …

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was to come home and feel so lost!  To feel so unsure, ungrounded and off-balance, why? I “should” be all enlightened and stuff, after all those meditation retreats and teachings don’t you know it all by now?”  I shouldn’t struggle because I, Jodi Mellott, I am “suppose” to have it all together.  These, of course, are my old ways of thinking and brutal expectations of self and in so projecting, I believe that I have fallen short in a big way.

My perfectionist is trying to run the show.  I have come home to experience anxiety, which is rarely the case for me, and a touch of depression.  Wherever I am, I wish I were somewhere else and when I get to the somewhere else I want to be back where I came from, repeat.  I am very unsettled.  I have kept my transition to a transition and have slowly made my way back into the lives of the people who I love.  It has been a beautiful submerge and at the very same time a near drowning into the life I once knew living in Victoria.

I blessed and honoured to stay at the homes of my amazing friends since my place is sublet until January, 2018.  In each place I am filled with a new wonder and a new alienation; memories flood my mind of moments spent in these areas of Victoria, Downtown, Gordon Head, and Oakland’s.  I remember all those years of my life living in Victoria raising my daughters and fitting into society.  This society so entrenched in living life according to societies standards of success.  Like robotics, people somber around from their cars, to coffee shops, to work, to home, rushing around like every moment is accounted for; there is no time for this moment.

I continuously bring myself back to this moment, it has been difficult.  I am consumed by thoughts of my daughters, my sister, my previous life in Victoria, my last workplace, what am I going to do next, do I even want to live here, my heart wants to go to Ft. St. John but I have always loved Victoria.

I listen intently to everyone’s stories of their lives and how they unfolded over the last year, the new, the old and the same.  I bathe in the person and take in all of them, I witness their ways of being and I am comforted by who they are.  All of my people are beautiful people, I feel so blessed.

I have this feeling swirling around in my solar plexus, that awful feeling that makes me want to do anything to make it go away, to stop it, to cease its existence, to move my body or my mind in some direction that will make it stop.  I know that I am a guesthouse and that multiple feelings and emotions will turn up and pass through like the waves on the Ocean but it does not make these encounters any less painful.  This too shall pass, my dear, this too shall pass!  

It’s not cognition that is needed at a time like this it is love, support, friendship, understanding and a lot of self-care.  I open my self care box and I carefully take out feeding myself; as soon as I notice I am not feeding myself properly we have a problem and something needs to shift right away.  B_R_E_A_T_H_E.  The breath is life supporting.

I consciously make an effort to supply my starving body with the nutrition it needs, I make myself sit and mindfully eat whatever I have put in front of myself.  The next is breath, I remind myself to breathe often, deep mindful breaths bringing myself back to this moment.  I remember all the teachings and I admonish myself for being in this place and not somewhere peaceful and mindful and it starts the whole process over and my solar plexus burn, they are outraged at my lack of taking care of my own basic needs, yet again.

I remind myself that I don’t have to slide into society’s conditioning considering stepping out of this exact conditioning is what I have worked so hard to do.  Yet the pull is so strong to immediately settle in and get a job and start living the way I am supposed to be living.  I panic and start applying for jobs like a maniac, then I start to settle.  I have appeased my EGO and now settling in and shifting my focus to my being as I start to breathe, eat, exercise, allow myself a mountain of sleep, get out into nature as often as I can, the Ocean my saviour,  meet friends and get acquainted one by one.  Slowly.  One thing at a time.  I start to settle.

(my higher power had this to say)

The best advice is to relax, enjoy each moment and know that whatever is going to happen next is going to happen next you have no control.  Spend time with your being, your soul, sit in meditation Jodi and hear what your soul has to say about all of this.  Let it be heard, quiet down the EGO and slip into your soul, listen to the quiet whispers your soul wants you to hear.  Hide inside yourself if that is what you have to do – but listen, the answers are already inside of you. Listen my sweet, listen.

Each day I feel the heaviness, worry and anxiety lifting and the calm presence returning.

Joy is back!

 

 

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