disintegration

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The sediment settled down once again in this new landscape of my body, mind and soul.   It is very different now.  The light is bright, the presence is here and space has been created.

Transition is real.  It happens many times in our lives and no we are not crazy and no we have not lost our mind.  Transition is a difficult place to land,  it feels a bit like free falling off a mountain or cliff.   You are really not sure if you are going to make it out of this alive certainly not unscathed.  It’s hard.  The beautiful things about transition is that you come out the other end and you see the light again, only this time its different. Perhaps brighter or softer but you see the light in a completely different way.  The interior landscape forever changed.

The other side is beautiful, bright and much lighter, a shift has happened, the layer peeled, through to the other side. Transition is a beast.  It is like a tornado that starts as a whist of wind at the bottom of your feet and starts swirling out of control, sit back, hold on and welcome the ride.

Deep healing work requires time to process.

Suddenly things start to look clearer, I start to notice the trees again, the clouds in the sky, the sun shinning brightly.  Feeling so much gratitude for all that I have in this moment.  Mindfulness brought me back.  At the moment, I reside in the present moment.  I will constantly bring myself back over and over again.

In the dissolution of the pain body literally everything got brighter, clearer as I was slowly feeling more and more, just happiness in my being.  I felt the need to take deep heavy breaths, I took them often. I slept, I allowed my body all the sleep it wanted.  I fed my body with good nutrition, I allowed quiet moments, yoga, walked, hit the beach, spent time with friends and family and time alone.

Most importantly, I wrote.

It feels like a space has been made for something else and the something else feels like love.  I feel this incredible feeling of letting go, putting down, losing weight.  I feel different.  I feel like I can let go of the fact that I have looked at my daughter as a victim and myself as a villain.  She is not a victim, she is a survivor.  I am not a villain, I am love.  My girl has a shaved head, she is a fist pumping vegan activist and she carries the weight of the world on her tiny shoulders.  She is strong.  She is Intelligent.  She is Beautiful.  She is my super HERO . I can let go of the remnants of guilt & shame and move forward with love.  With a new lens, a new perspective without the chains and shackles.

In this transition, I saw myself panic, knee jerk and fall on my face. Resisting, holding on, running away from, ANYTHING not to feel the pain. Only this time I felt the pain.  I sat with the pain.  I allowed the pain.  I am a guesthouse.  I welcomed pain in for a cup and tea and we sat together until pain got up and said “well, I gotta go” and off  it went!

I threw open the windows and doors to clear the place out, I filled it with the smell of fragrant food, the sounds of Tibetan singing bowls, I ran around the block a few times came home and shut the fucking door!

The moon is bright in the sky tonight and the sun beams brightly during the day!  I feel so blessed to live here in this beautiful land of Victoria, British Columbia.

I feel so blessed and grateful for all that I have and all that I am.

The deep need to fill the space is now a deep deep need to be in the space, be part of the space, to fill it up with nothingness.

The sense of simply being a beautiful shining light so that I can illuminate others so their lights can shine too!

We all have a light.  Illuminate!

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