As the sandbags start to clear, my mind springs to life, sliding from here to there, past and present recycling through consciousness, in and out, back and forth.
I catch a glimpse of the words dancing in my mind taunting me to open the window and allow the freedom to express. Teasing me into their dance demonstrating the steps we have so carefully choreographed.
The dance is ending, the chapter is closing but I feel a sense of holding on, clinging to the very fabric of my being. I feel the deep dull ache in my belly as I warily unzip the layer, held onto so protectively, and allow it to slide through the layers of my being.
I witness the entanglements interwoven into the fabric as the it falls off and lays beside me, crumpled onto the floor. I feel an overwhelming need to pick it up and zip it back into place, surrounding myself, climbing back into the comfortable and familiar.
The illumination of the crystal light comes shinning down to allow the costume to become so clear.
A sadness fills my heart. A look into the mirror. I start to question everything about myself and who I really am. I start to catch glimpses of myself and reach for them, take them down and work through the reality and truth that stands behind who I am.
The deepness gnawing in the pit of my burning stomach illuminating traces of concern, I see the clinging, I see the mistrust, I see the entitlement, I see the conditioning. It drops to the floor. It drops me to the floor.
The right of passage into the inner workings of the mind as corrosion seeps out of its dark shadows, in hiding no more. Full exposure.
The loss is real.
The path I take is lonely as authenticity, true heart and honesty rearrange inside this new fabric for which I wear.
A trust in something bigger, one foot in front of the other.
A final glance over my shoulder as I push the final clinging layer off my supporting shoulder and bid farewell to anything that has become intertwined into the weaves of the fabric. It falls away.
I turn and walk away with love in my heart and pain in my belly trusting that another layer has naturally fallen away as I mourn the losses and come to terms that this part of the dance is finally over.
The weight I feel is lighter, the fabric I feel is smoother, the view I see is unfamiliar, yet the pull I feel relentless.
As I ease slowing out of this transition, I see it and all the unfolding of it much more clearly. Transition is this place that we frequent as human beings, over the course of our lifetime we will land here just a few times or several times throughout our life perhaps depending on the growth and lessons we have come here to learn this time around.
Having had the experience of being through a transitory cycle more than a few times in this lifetime, I am starting to see the patterns, the cycle, the necessary need for this process to take place as it settles into all the important places, the mind, the body and the soul.
The mind is like a child and continues to badger and run the life out of me leaving both my body, my mind and my soul in ruins, it seems. Exhausted, rustled, unsure of what happened or where I went, it can be puzzling!
As the speck of light at the end of the tunnel starts to illuminate, the darkness starts to shift, a slight noticing at first but yet something has shifted in the mind. It starts to let go of the rumination, the worries, the habitual need for acceptance and understanding sinking back into myself starts to become apparent.
Self care and self compassion are imperative while moving through this cycle. Allowing the transition to be here, to be part of what is, right now, without judgement or expectation of when it will leave.
Reminding myself that I am a guesthouse and this is what has arrived, treating all my guests with the same respect and honour. Inviting them in and sitting with each and every one of them until they are ready to leave. Allowing what is to be and accepting that this moment is exactly what is is no matter how my mind and body are reacting.
Trust that this moment, these moments are meant to be exactly as they are, right now. It is the hardest thing, we humans, ever have to do. Accept.
As the darkness turn back to light, my heart door opens more and more each day.
I settle into the nuance of this part of my life and all that comes with transition. The pieces of what you had known of the world have been shattered and lay all around, now the task at hand is shifting through the aftermath and picking up the pieces you want to keep and letting go of the ones that no longer serve in the forward momentum of this lifetime.